The beast known as Edinburgh.

Dust settles. Perspective. Reflection. 

This year has been a whirl wind. Unexpected. Overwhelming and frightening.

Edinburgh is a scary and confusing goldfish bowl bubble. Its exposing.

Are you lonesome tonight - is equally exposing. This piece is about things that are very present, confusing and at times painful from my life. At times I let anxiety get the better of me, I hid - a lot, but I managed to get through to the end. Huzaaah!I also ate fruit and veg regularly - a triumph.

Photo thanks to Holly Revel

I have been wrestling with the this project since I started it. Constantly swinging about whether I should do it. Whether I can do it. Whether its disrespectful, self indulgent or not clear enough. 

I did a lot of things for the first time. I made piece of work drawn directly from my own experience. I stood on a stage alone for an hour. I sang in front of people - which I haven't done in a long time. I played guitar outside of my bedroom. I did maths. 

 My practice is a process driven one, interactive theatre or participatory performance has a lot of room for failure. Are You Lonesome Tonight asks questions of the audience and really listens to the answers - all responses are different. It needs testing and for that there needs to be an audience. This adventure was an experiment - a very public, very pressured experiment.

Photo thank you Paul Blakemore

Are You Lonesome Tonight is an experience. I lay down a lot of dots and the audience join them up as they choose. It's not black white, but this seemed like the only way to delve into the fractious nature of delusion, imagination and identity. There are no answers, just lots of questions and structures we should examine. But now, as the dust settles, I have a much clearer idea of what it is and I believe in it. 

Photo thank you Paul Blakemore

I wanted to make a project that invited an audience to have conversations about mental health and to explore how ideas of 'madness' are constructed.

Photo thanks to Holly Revel 

An attempt to understand the misunderstood; Psychosis, delusions and the fluidity of identity. The result - Are you lonesome tonight? an interactive performance that invites an audience to interrogate difficult subject matter, using my possible lineage to Elvis (who's wealth of imagery we are so familiar with) as a cipher, an icon to hang these big ideas from.

Elvis and numbers, calculations and predictions, conversations about profiles and criteria and how we as humans both love and hate to be told what we are. How personality is a possible fallacy and how truth, fact or fixed states - shouldn't be so easily applied to diverse, complex, changing humans.

Photo thanks to Holly Revel 

Edinburgh helped me reinvigorate my belief. I grew as a performer and a maker. For the first time I got sucked into caring what other people think of me and then I managed to shake it off. I remembered how powerful performance, conversation, ideas and art can be. I remembered how intelligent and sensitive audiences are and I remembered that change is possible and happening.

I saw change at the fringe this year. Powerful and important work about mental heatlh was making itself known. Mental by The Vacuum Cleaner - was deservedly  praised by peers and critics - getting a four star review in the Scotsman (the scottish equivalent of the telegraph) something that wouldn't have happened 10 or even 5 years ago.

The wonderfully talented Jess Thor aka Tourette's hero was the first artist who is disabled to receive the Total Theatre emerging artist award. Her show Back Stage in Biscuit Land made my heart swell and is extremely well crafted - you can catch at the BAC - I cant recommend it highly enough. Fellow award winners Ridiculusmuss' show  'The eradication of schizophrenia in western lapland' is an undeniable feet in enabling an audience to experience hearing voices and shows how this can be both a comforting, frightening and illuminating experience. The wonderful Billy Barret wrote some interesting words comparing Eradication and my show AND used the words NEURODIVERSITY and explained it beautifully. 

I fell in love with the None of us is yet a Robot project - cant wait to see what happens with it and I loved being inside a box - which is funny for me because I usually dislike that so much. 

Chris Goode did an amazing musical homage to Pete Seger at Forest Fringe. Which came at the right time for me - I also love Seger. In one of the communal songs Chris said 'im not sure we should sing the next lyrics, i'm not sure how I feel about

peace. Change is not peaceful' 

So much work at this year's fringe disrupted the peace, would not go quietly, called for change in perspective, a rearrangement and examination of societal constructs.

Men of the Cities - Chris Goode | Confirmation - Chris Thorpe | Stand By for Tape Back Up - Ross Sutherland | Guinea Pigs on Trial - Sh!t Theatre | The Christeene Machine - Christeene | Looking for Paul - Wunderbaum | This is how we Die - Chris Brett Bailey | You're not alone - Kim Noble |  Selina Thompson - Chewing the Fat | Rev Billy and the Choir of Stop Shopping - to name but a few.

I am proud that I could be around it and be part of it. I'm glad its over - it's good to be home. I'm glad I didn't give up (It nearly happened in week 2 of 4 - I even looked up train tickets and how Sh!T Theatre could do the rest of my shows) 

I also managed to help out on some other beautiful projects: 

Caroline Wright & Helen Paris' Out of Water very early in the morning on Portebello Beach

Rachel Mars' Sing it spirit of Envy Choir at Forest Fringe and reading Samantha Cameron for Eva Weinmayr's Death in Downing Street 

  also as Forest Fringe.

So here in the internet I would like to officially thank those who made sure I didn't give up - gush, gush, gush *looks straight down camera lens*

Xavier De Sousa, my friend who's producing mind and support have made this possible, Sh!T Theatre - Becca and Jen thank you for taking me along for the ride and being so awesomely Sh!t, Louise - for all your support technically and emotionally,  ROOM - Annabelle, Sophie, Mal, Alan and Jem for the flat hiding, the chocolate and kind words. Abbey Butcher for the cuddles, Ross Sutherland and Chris Thorpe for the encouraging and grounding words, James and Lilly for times with Doris, Hattie for reminding me to eat and the glow stick dancing fun times, Forest Fringe for the home from home safe space, Summerhall for the beautiful staff, space and support and everyone who came and saw my show - you were brilliant, open, present and playful.

I also got some nice reviews - and I got nominated for the Arches Brick Award 2014

Would I do it again - we'll see.